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Mar 18, 2018

My Letter to Self Harm

*May be triggering*

Hey guys so I decided to do a repost of this post I did back in late 2017. I think writing this helped me come to some understanding of my self harm. 

I wanted to inspire you to write to your mental health. Tell it how you feel and how you will try to overcome it


www.fablemoonsays.com






Wow this is hard actually sitting down and talking to you. The monster I try to avoid. The monster who has convinced me that what I do is ok. What I do feels good. I should keep doing what I do. The monster who told me that if I don't do this then who am I. The monster who's lies I have believed for years.


You came into my life when I was younger. In the form of my brothers monster. Yes he went through a self harm phase. You were less of a monster to him then to me. I saw you. You saw me decided to stalk me from then on. 


It was around age 15. 
At first it was wanting a tattoo on my ankle of Kobe Bryant name. It was a KB that I cut. Then I added some marker. I didn't know what I was doing was only the start of something far worse. My mom was upset at what I did. Took some medicine to my ankle to make the ink go away. 


But you moved from my ankle to my arm. I don't remember much of our past. I do remember one day in class I cut my wrist in secret. Under the desk. No one knew what I was doing. But I remember I was upset I got in trouble for doing my homework early. 

I know I had my fair share of mental issues when I was younger. Making myself vomit to loose weight. Failing to stop myself eating. Trying to burn myself with a cloth soaked in scolding hot water. Keeping my hand under cold water to try and freeze them. Keeping my arm under hot water to try and burn myself.


We were so close that I would blame it on my wall being too rough. 'Oh yeah mom I cut myself when I was getting clothes in my closet'
I covered it up with long sleeves. Anything to make people not question what I have done

I would use the sharp end of a circle tool.

I liked the way it felt. I liked seeing my blood. If I was ever sad all I had to do was pull out that tool and you would comfort me. It grew from one mark to 2 to a whole section of my arm. In the summer I would cut above my bikini line. 



As I grew older I learned what I was doing was wrong. Taking a sharp object to my skin and slicing it. That wasn't 'normal'. I had a problem, an obsession. Did that stop me?? No, they got deeper and more frequent. 


When I self harm I know I shouldn't but once I hold the object to my body, I just go blank. The monster inside takes over. The next thing I know I am bleeding and my skin burn. I regret it which makes me panic which makes me upset which makes me just want to do it again. 


These days I am 29, you are still here. I don't care if people see what I have done. My arm has more scars on them ever before. 


I want to tell you that I am glad you are my friend and have been my friend when I felt I had no one else. But it is time for me to move on. I know you will always be there for me still, I appreciate that. But I want us to get married, have kids, a life... I want to be a good influence on my kids, I can't be if you & I stay close. I want to be able to find someone who will comfort me when I am sad. Instead of me feeling like I need to hurt myself, like I am no good for anyone, for anything

So self harm we are going to get help. I am going to win this battle. I may not win all the time. I may not win for a while. I didn't win today. But I know one day I will be strong enough to win. Strong enough to stand on my own.

Thank you for helping me grow. Thank you for listening
 
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