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Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Streaking with Bad Luck

Recently I turned the big 3-0!!!! Age does not really bother me since I think of it all as mental. If I am able to act my age when I need to (ex: working) then it really does not matter if I dress/like little kid things. It is a 60/40 balance as acting 30 is not needed all the time.

With that being sad, so far I hate being 30. Not even two weeks after my birthday, I got and break my ankle. And not in a fun playing sports type of way. No a walking my dog in the dark and falling into a hole kind of way. I have never broken anything until the age of 30 😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠😠

So now I have a purple cast on for the next two weeks and crutches.

Moving Update

What a bugger it has been to move. Everything is all set, I just need my social worker to release the rest of my money. She is a (how can I say this nicely) meanie. I know she is just doing her job but still

Friday, August 18, 2017

Snitches, Lies and Horror

And then maybe all I knew was a lie

Sunday, July 30, 2017

Life In A New Apartment- Not Yipee

I wanted to try something new on the blog. This post is talking about how you are wishing for that big change but knowing that life won't work that way. Hope you enjoy :)

As you may be aware I have been trying to get a new apartment. (You can help by donating here )
I have been going through in my mind that everything will change when/if I get this apartment. As much as I wish that will be true, I know not much will change.

What will change

1. I will have a home and not live in a motel
2. Kobe will have his won backyard to play in
3. Kobe hopefully won't have neighbors who scare him half to death
4. A new city

Now as much as those things will change, the important things will not

What will not change

1. My mental health issues
2. Kobes mental health issues
3. Financial status
4. Having to find a therapist
5. My relationship status
6. That I will be turning 30 & no where closer to finding any purpose in life
7. Having no friends
8. Having nothing to live for

Why do I feel like life will get so much better? My optimism that always goes wrong. I guess I will be happy when I move out of the motel and into my own home. Will just have to see what life holds. Maybe this will be a life changing experience. 

Wish me well. Thanks for reading and I will see you Tuesday 

Thursday, July 27, 2017

What Mental Health Issues Feels Like Inside

Last post on Mental Health Tips and Signs to Look for  here

I have been trying to think of a post to write. I have been thinking more of the mental health side of things. While trying to find things to write for stories/poems. I thought I would take it and put it together. This is what I came up with:

What My Mental Health Issues Feel Like

Now of course this post is going to be different then other people experience and what they feel going on inside their own self. I just wanted to give some more insight of what it feels like to experience these things. What happens inside my brain. Everyone always asks me how do you feel and I never have an answer. Well this is my answer I guess. As complex, insane, frazzled as it seems. Most of the times I do feel just complete emptiness. 

If you feel something like this then feel free to comment down below with a 'YES'

Note- This post will include a bunch of randomness but that is what mental health is and feels like. Try to bare with me :)

It burns, it hurts. You try and scream but nothing comes out.
Until then you struggle with the fire raging inside you. Lungs getting burnt. Its hard to breath. Body hurts all the time, wanting to cry but tears dried from the flames. You fight this on your own. Trying not to give up but wishing it would end 
 No one sees the fire so they don't believe you. They don't know that the fire inside you is getting stronger, out of control.

Image Source

Like you are running from a rabid pack of 20 lions who have not eaten in a day. Dressed head to toe in fresh meat. Locked in a 100 foot cage. Nowhere to escape, to run and hide. You know eventually the lions will catch up to you. Still you try to outrun and outsmart them. Your body breaking down with every step you take

Then there are times when everything is just blank. You can't function because your brain and body has just gone blank. They can't function together or on their own. No communication between them. No words, no emotions, nothing but emptiness. You feel as though you lost all function. As if you are out of your own body. 

Who's body is this? 
Why am I cursed with feeling this way? 

You open your mouth to ask for help but nothing comes out. Dead silence. If anything does come out then the words are jumbled, voice shaky so that no one understands what you are trying to say. You sit there in silence as your heart races. The voices in your mind either running, screaming or there is nothing even in there. Never sure when you will be able to calm down. 

Sleep is the only peace you get from all of these problems. That is if you can sleep. Sometimes you pass out due to lack of sleep. I sleep all the time due to my not wanting to be awake. I can control my dreams, they are good dreams most of the time. I can't control life and most of the time life is bad. Sleep if the answer I find most helpful 

I hope this makes sense to anyone reading it. Thanks for reading and I will see you Tuesday with another post